Chris Hansen Bites The Muff

Investigative star Chris Hansen – best known for exposing Internet sex perverts on “TO CATCH A PREDATOR” – has been caught in his own cheating scandal with a sexy blonde young enough to be his daughter! For nearly four months, sources say, the handsome father of two has been cheating on his wife with Kristyn Caddell, a news anchor at NBC affili ate WPTV in West Palm Beach, Fla.
Hey there…why don’t you take a seat…ON THIS  PULSATING BEEF. Seriously Chris? Details haven’t  leaked but one can only assume Hansen was caught stranglewanking with the rope, soda pop and ziplock bag with “magnum” sharpied on it  that this thundercunt obviously needed to play “video games”. Huh? Thats peculiar Chris. We have yet to find any reference in your chat logs to that astroglide hamster running tantrum in your ass hole. As if it even needs to be said this story was obviously broken by the National Enquirer, or as its more commonly known the ass ramming truth directly form the mouth of God. Today was an excellent day in America now I’m out to pound off.
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TSA stripping old bitches of their diapers now

First it was Saddam Hussein, then recently it was Bin Laden…but somewhere deep down inside I honestly don’t think Grandma Shitsinpants is gonna be dropping many physical bombs, besides of course the ones that she accidently leaves in her Depends Adult Diapers.  Like this women straight up has leukemia and is 357 years old, and yet her “wet and firm” diaper was reason enough to screen the shit out of her?? Uhhh newsflash bro, pretty sure this lady doesn’t give a FUCK what happens in terms of the war on terror, you know why? Uh because SHES OLD AS FUCK.

Now regarding TSA, Jiminy Christmas…now THAT is an organization.  So I get an email from CareerBuilder a couple weeks ago, so of course I’m juiced thinking ahhhh maybe GoldmanSachs got my intern application after all! For sure not, nope, just TSA letting the whole fucking world know they’re hiring.  Take a look:

Talk about fuckin false advertising, huh?!?  If by x-ray vision, you mean a fat case of scoliosis from hunching over a computer all day.  And if by federal benefits, you mean, you in no way benefit from dealing with people in the worst moods possible.  Oh what’s that sir?? You think I give a FUCK that your plane takes off in 25 seconds? Well unfortunately for you, 9/11 was almost 10 years ago and you STILL haven’t learned that you can’t carry-on an 8oz bottle of KY.  But nope, only in a perfect world could you actually speak your mind as a TSA agent.  In the meantime, enjoy groping dudes suspicious bulges and stripping grannies of their poopy diapers…now THOSE are some benefits.

Would you just LOOK AT THAT!

Would you just look at it! The idea of this video sounds beyond retarded but I just had to look at it.  I don’t even know why but i’ve just looked at this video a good 20 times and it is fucking hilarious every single time I just look at it. The actor is rocking a ridiculous outfit fit for some gay bar in Miami that would get gay men just lookin at him for days, not to mention the stance to match, and he just rips the same line over and over. At one point the actor rattles off straight would you look at thats for a solid two minutes.  Would you just listen to his laugh?? or maybe its a cackle, cause for the past three minutes he’s had you just lookin at him. Also, I don’t know who the car owner is, but he literally has to be the biggest dumbass to go along with this guy, until he JUST LOOKED AT IT. If i were lookin at it, half way through this guy talking I would have just gone Ronnie Ortiz-Magro on his ass and gone one shot bro, but hey thats just me lookin at it. I did learn one thinking from just looking at this video and that is next time I get pulled over for sitting in the PASSENGER SEAT and I just get so mad.  I’ll grab the ticket from the cop and  you know what the first thing I’m gonna say is? WOULD YOU JUST LOOK AT THAT.

Crazy homeless crackhead claims he produces trillion dollar movies in California….wait, what?

Seriously, if I don’t have a copy of one of his mochin pitchers in my DVD player by tonight, we’re gonna have problems.  Bella Mafia Quacka Fella Records Incorporated By Rhyme Syndicate–Three Yellow Men Trillionaire Club  sounds like the motherfucking place to BE.  Like I can’t even deny how badly I want to fly my ass out to Cali right now and get an internship at BMQFR Inc By RSTYMTC.  Because this is a trillion dollar business, and WE TAKIN OVA.

But I have to admit, homeboy lost me a little bit when he started talking about cutting off people’s wee-wee’s so they’d stop thinking about the pussy.  Uhhh bro I hate to admit it but wee-wee or no wee-wee, I’m definitely still gonna think about it.  Honestly, I wouldn’t put it past the male race to find an alternative to jerking off if this guy cut off every single dick in the world.  Like you walk into your dorm room and your roommate is watching porn while rubbing his elbow skin moaning and shit and he slams his laptop shut because he’s so embarrassed.

But let’s take a minute to realize the direction this crackheads conversation went in outline form:

1. asking for directions

2. talking about his movie production

3. talking about cutting off dicks and feeling the pain of childbirth

4. purple pumpkin eaters/purple rock smokers/the funky monkeys coming to eat us all and take over the world

If that doesn’t scream “I was just slinging crack behind a dumpster in a dark alley and the rock is just starting to set in a get me all yayyed up” then I don’t know what does.  Masta Blasta OUT!

Pediatrician Faces 529 Counts of Rape

 

(CNN) — A Delaware judge on Thursday found a pediatrician, accused of molesting dozens of his patients, guilty on 24 counts, according to a source in the judge’s office. Judge William C. Carpenter issued his decision more than two weeks after a one-day bench trial, which was mandated after the defendant last month waived his right to a jury trial. Earl Bradley, whose practice was in Lewes, originally had faced 529 counts of rape, sexual exploitation of a child, unlawful sexual contact and other charges.

Jesus Christmas, I swear to god, if there was such place as Rape City, Dr. Earl Bradley would be the motherfucking mayor.  529 charges against you bro? Really?? I’m no mathematician but in the 11 years you were a doctor…1998-2009…you committed 529 acts of rape and molestation…which works out to roughly 4 instances per month………for 11 years.

As much as I’d love to say ohhhh those poor 2 years olds must be so scarred from this experience, they’ll never be the same!! Uhhhh newsflash mom and pop…when your son or daughter’s pediatrician looks like Viggo Mortenson from The Road, you should definitely be asking some questions.  Like call me a huge pussy, but I’m almost 300% positive my mom came in the room with me for every single doctors appointment till I was aboutttttt twenty? So don’t come crying to me when Old Man Bradley here’s been diddling your son’s wiener for the past 3 years when you were dumb enough to trust this bearded rapist in the first place.

Bro…you just got Dodge Caliber’d through a window.

Youtube  Yeadon police are still looking for a woman who fled a 7-11 after her car slammed an employee through the front window. The car, a silver 2007 Dodge Caliber, was found today, according to reports. The remarkable incident, caught on surveillance video June 9, shows the compact lurching forward, clipping a car trying to park, hopping a concrete parking stop, and knocking Gejea Ejeta through the front window of the store in the 500 block of Church Lane. The Ethopian native, who lives in Southwest Philadelphia, survived the crash, suffering leg injuries.

Legit, I would put working at 7-Eleven up there with the most dangerous jobs in America…seriously, right next to being a lumberjack and king crab fishing.  Because honestly, imagine the perfect life…and working at 7-Eleven is the exact opposite.  Literally no part of the job is rewarding…compensation, working conditions, Dodge Calibers hip checking you into a bulletproof glass window on the West Side of Philly, and the list goes on and on.

Not to mention the clientele at a 7-Eleven isn’t exactly the top notch money market.  One night after a nice dinner in Richmond, VA, my girlfriend and I stopped by a 7-Eleven to stay warm while we waited for our ride.  I kid you not, I saw more poverty in those 20 minutes than I did in my entire sheltered childhood.  No joke, I saw a homeless man who was batting .000 in terms of how many legs he had, rolls into the store, grabs two Miller High Life’s and rolls on out like he’s a fucking regular.  Homeboy bought just the right amount of alcohol to make him blackout hard enough so that the pain of winter, a lack of legs, and crippling poverty (no pun intended) could no longer be felt.

So I absolutely 100% feel Gejea’s pain here.  Nothing worse than getting truck sticked by a moving vehicle after a full day of watching hot dogs and taquitos roll around in butter all day.  Just not a good week at all.

 

 

Fucking Kids These Days…

 

Seriously, this is EXACTLY why I am not giving my kids video games.  I want them to be athletic as FUCK and not a chance I’m letting them rot away on the couch crying about how they forgot talk to Professor Oak before trying to catch the Hitmonchan and it escaped from their Pokeball at the last minute.  Seriously, I wouldn’t even care if they’re the kid having a meltdown on the field because they were called out on a play at the plate.  You know why?  Because that fucking brat is gonna do sprints all night under the lights until he’s hacking up his own goddamn lungs.  Literally I want him spitting up his liver and shit until he learns his lesson.  Can’t teach discipline to a kid living in a fantasy world of mythical creatures now can you?  Didn’t think so…Beans Jr will be doing so many home-to-homes it’ll make your head spin.