Uhhh just a heads up for next time bro, about -234 chicks will find that shit cute. Seriously, save that stuff for boys nights. Mom and pops may find that hilarious, but you will be getting zero handjobs in the middle of watching Emperor’s New Groove if your dinner and a movie date started off with some class clown stunt like this. Act your age not your fucking shoe size, dumb baby.
Still can’t tell if she’s hot or not, but your moral compass is pointing straight to the fiery center of Earth if murder moms get you antsy.
K honestly…fuck the haters. Two things, 1. yes the SlobStopper is a real product, and 2. yes, it is the best fucking invention ever and I don’t wanna hear anyone tell me otherwise. Do you even KNOW how many times I’ve rolled into work looking like a jackass with a 20 course meal all over my suit?? The slogan says it all, bibs aren’t just for babies bitches! I honestly could not be more elated that I can be sloppy as fuck all day long and not care. And don’t give me any grief about ohhhh Beans it’s such a fashion faux pas…FUCK THAT SHIT! They have SlobStopper colors for motherfucking DAYS! One to match every suit I have. We’ll see who’s laughing when your ass doesn’t get promoted because your boss doesn’t think highly of full grown men rocking cheesy quiche all over their dick.
PS. Any product that allows you to drink like that sped at the 1 second mark is a win in my books.
The TSA agent charged with assaulting a coworker who teased him about the size of his penis after it was exposed by a full-body scanner reached a plea agreement, reports The Smoking Gun. Rolando Negrin, who was accused of striking fellow Transportation Security Administration employee Hugo Osorno with a police baton while demanding an apology, has agreed to attend anger management classes and write a letter of apology to Osorno.
The 46-year-old Miami resident must also perform 50 hours of community service and make a $100 charitable donation to Do The Right Thing of Miami in order to comply with the terms of a pre-trial program, which if completed, will dismiss the felony battery case, reports TSG. According to the police report from the incident in May, Negrin told investigators that he “could not take the jokes anymore and lost his mind.”
I’ll tell you what, I am 100% on board with my boy Rolando here. After a long day of looking at 23093453 driver’s licenses and making old bitches take their diapers off, you’re about ready to call it a day as it is. So when Tammy TSA decides its fair game for her to ridicule the length of your cock, you’d go baton crazy too. Lando probably didn’t even know the scanner was on too, just spit shining the glass and doing an honest job trying to make his pay. Meanwhile, his 3-inch is posterized on the 3 foot TSA security screen for the whole world to see. Not a good look. So cut the horseshit with anger management this and aggravated assault that: when it comes to your pecker being broadcast on a flatscreen TV, if you aint packin, your baton be smackin…keep doin you Rolando!
PS. Wait, it was a dude looking at his dick size? Ewwwww Hugo Osorno, grossssss!
Product Features
Switched — We’re hesitant to tell anybody about the USB Computer Prankster, but since most of us work from home here [Ed. Note: Thanks, Lee], and thus aren’t afraid of this thing being used on us, we’ll just selfishly throw the rest of you to the wolves. While this little doohickey might appear to be a run-of-the-mill USBdrive, it’s far more insidious. Those little switches on the side don’t merely engage the Caps Lock function, keyboard, or mouse, but rather make them go totally haywire.
A cyber saboteur can sneak to your cubicle, plug this sucker in an out-of-the-way USB port, roll back the time delay, engage the switches, and escape — by the time you’re back at your desk with a fresh cup of coffee. Moments later, you’re dragging a very important document into a very important folder, and your mouse cursor will lose control and bounce around the screen like a chihuahua on a meth binge.
You, of course, will freak out and start clicking away at the keyboard (which isn’t responding, either), and — as a result of your frayed nerves — spill fresh coffee all over the unresponsive keyboard (and your lap). The document will be somewhere in the trash can, your keyboard fried, your smart new pantsuit brown and reeking of Maxwell House, and your hateful co-worker cackling somewhere in the breakroom. Of course, while you’re running to the bathroom in order to hide your tears, your co-worker will slip back into your cubicle, and remove the Computer Prankster and, thus, all evidence.
You know who would find this type of shit funny? Here’s a clue….uhhhh fucking NOBODY. Seriously, being a cubicle monkey is stressful enough as it is, shipping out TPS reports to overseas clients, injecting caffeine straight into your bloodstream to stay awake, etc etc etc. Literally the LAST thing you need is for fuckin Steve from three cubes over to play a prank on you that costs you your job. HAHA Steve that was so funny when you made my mouse not work right in the middle of that Global Health presentation! NOW MY FUCKING KIDS ARE GOING TO STARVE. Seriously, just not a good look when you’re giving a pitch for a multimillion dollar deal and ALL THE POINTS YOU TYPE IN ARE IN CAPS LOCK. LOOKS REALLY FUCKIN WEIRD, LIKE YOURE YELLING AFTER A WHILE. AM I RIGHT? So seriously, if you’re looking to be the funny guy everyone rants about in the break room, stop being a fucking dickhead and instead pull this type of shit with your parents who think a USB drive is for floppy disks or some shit.
Hate on me all you want, but owning this apartment would literally have you swimming in pussy (2 out of 2 puns intended.) Seriously, imagine you’re laying some serious game at the bar, this chicks really into you, but you gotta seal the deal before she goes home and watches Teen Wolf by herself. What do you say?? Uhhhhh soooo babe, how’s about you and me head back to my pussy palace and play with my furry friends? I’m telling you right now, 0 out of 100 girls are gonna say no to that. Not to mention when she walks in and sees that you’re humane and uhhhh rich as FUCK, she’s gonna want to add one more pussy to the equation…ahem. Seriously though, time to make some fucking money because I NEED this pussy mansion so badly it’s painful.
