Switched — We’re hesitant to tell anybody about the USB Computer Prankster, but since most of us work from home here [Ed. Note: Thanks, Lee], and thus aren’t afraid of this thing being used on us, we’ll just selfishly throw the rest of you to the wolves. While this little doohickey might appear to be a run-of-the-mill USBdrive, it’s far more insidious. Those little switches on the side don’t merely engage the Caps Lock function, keyboard, or mouse, but rather make them go totally haywire.
A cyber saboteur can sneak to your cubicle, plug this sucker in an out-of-the-way USB port, roll back the time delay, engage the switches, and escape — by the time you’re back at your desk with a fresh cup of coffee. Moments later, you’re dragging a very important document into a very important folder, and your mouse cursor will lose control and bounce around the screen like a chihuahua on a meth binge.
You, of course, will freak out and start clicking away at the keyboard (which isn’t responding, either), and — as a result of your frayed nerves — spill fresh coffee all over the unresponsive keyboard (and your lap). The document will be somewhere in the trash can, your keyboard fried, your smart new pantsuit brown and reeking of Maxwell House, and your hateful co-worker cackling somewhere in the breakroom. Of course, while you’re running to the bathroom in order to hide your tears, your co-worker will slip back into your cubicle, and remove the Computer Prankster and, thus, all evidence.
You know who would find this type of shit funny? Here’s a clue….uhhhh fucking NOBODY. Seriously, being a cubicle monkey is stressful enough as it is, shipping out TPS reports to overseas clients, injecting caffeine straight into your bloodstream to stay awake, etc etc etc. Literally the LAST thing you need is for fuckin Steve from three cubes over to play a prank on you that costs you your job. HAHA Steve that was so funny when you made my mouse not work right in the middle of that Global Health presentation! NOW MY FUCKING KIDS ARE GOING TO STARVE. Seriously, just not a good look when you’re giving a pitch for a multimillion dollar deal and ALL THE POINTS YOU TYPE IN ARE IN CAPS LOCK. LOOKS REALLY FUCKIN WEIRD, LIKE YOURE YELLING AFTER A WHILE. AM I RIGHT? So seriously, if you’re looking to be the funny guy everyone rants about in the break room, stop being a fucking dickhead and instead pull this type of shit with your parents who think a USB drive is for floppy disks or some shit.