India is taking American TV shows and making them better than ever…wait just kidding they’re eliminating all the sex and gore altogether

NEW DELHI (AP) — Would the sex, drugs and rock-n-roll fueled TV show “Californication” be worth watching without the sex, drugs and rock-n- roll? What about serial killer series “Dexter” without the gore?

In an effort to attract younger viewers without offending the older ones, Indian TV is now showing some of America’s edgiest shows — but cutting out the edge.

Jesus Christmas India, you’re doing it all wrong! You think I wanna watch the filler scenes of Dexter sitting in the lab looking at slides for blood splatter analysis?? FUCK NO!  I want to see Deb in lingerie getting stuffed by Officer Lundy, and if anything I want to see more of it! You can’t just cut that shit out!  How the fuck do you explain Sarg. James Doakes being engulfed in a fiery ball of flames and burning to a crisp without being able to say “oh yeah Doakes got engulfed in a fiery ball of flames and got burnt to a crisp”??? Oh ummm Doakes is on vacation for the rest of the show, don’t worry about this gaping hole in the plot sequence.  Fuck! And I thought America was getting soft…cmon India! Clean it up!

Text message program aims to help kids quit smoking…wait what?

 

CNN.com — Teens love their cell phones. In an effort to help young smokers kick the habit, the National Cancer Institute is creating a new program called Smokefree T-X-T. It’s a free text message service that provides 24 hour encouragement, advice, and tips to teens trying to quit smoking.

And it’s easy. Teens sign up and select a reasonable date to quit. After that, text messages timed to their selected quit date are sent on a regular basis. Following their quit date, they will continue to receive texts for up to six weeks. Smoking experts say six weeks is a critical time, because that’s when most people need the support to stay off the tobacco for good. The government agency also provides a website where teens can talk to one another about their efforts to quit.

 

I was honestly so ready to rip into this Smokefree T-X-T.  Like I’m not even a smoker and I just couldn’t see this working.  Couldn’t see a couple motivational texts as enough to get someone to quit.  But then I realized, do you know what I hate more than anything else? Receiving texts from people I don’t wanna talk to.

It’s like this past summer, I was using this study program to get my insurance license, and this dumb broad Coach Jenny was emailing me, texting me, leaving voicemails saying all sorts of recorded naggy shit like “hey! you haven’t accessed your account in 5 days! hop back on and let’s stay on pace!” Hey Coach Jenny, newsflash but uhh it’s 4th of July weekend and I’m trying to catch some UV rays and throw back some beers.  Not exactly trying to stay cooped up inside and crush 5 chapters of health insurance studying.

But you know what, it got to the point where I’d end up studying because I couldn’t fucking stand hearing from her anymore.  So that’s why I’m starting to think Smokefree T-X-T might actually work.  Maybe spice that shit up a little bit tho.  Maybe instead of hey! you’re 10 days in and doing great! have it say hey! coach jenny here! you’re doing great and if you make it to your quit date I’ll send you a picture of my titties! Just a suggestion…

 

PS. Why’d you stop calling me Coach Jenny?? 😉

Chinese going straight bananas in stress-relieving pillow fight

Huff Po — SHANGHAI (Reuters) – A whirlwind of pillows bearing the names of bosses and teachers filled the air as hundreds of Chinese gathered to blow off stress in Shanghai, staging a massive pillow battle.

The annual event marked its fifth year with such a surge in interest from stressed young office workers and students that organizers held two nights of pillow fighting before Christmas Day and plan another for Dec 30.

I’ll be honest, I don’t know what the FUCK is going on here, but I for one am not going to complain.  Do you know the MILLIONS of worse things the Chinese could be doing?? Yeah i’ll take harmless pillow fighting over building nuclear reactors and launching missiles 200 times out of 200.  Having said that, what’s up with this pussyfooting around? Give me a pillow, heavy metal, and a 100-hour work week of stress and I’ll knock your fucking head off with 500-thread count down pillow so fast you won’t even know what hit you.

World’s heaviest mom calls it quits on career of being a certified obese badass

 

Huff Po — Donna Simpson has taken another step towards changing her life and, perhaps, changing her image.

The Plain Dealer in Cleveland reports that the Guinness World Record holder for “world’s heaviest mom” has decided to shut down her pay-per-view eating site where, for years, internet users have been shelling out $19 a month to watch Simpson eat. “I realized that I was their fantasy,” Simpson told thePlain Dealer. “Here I was getting bigger and bigger, and they had their thin wives, with 2½ kids and a picket fence.”

 

I’m literally so confused right now Donna.  God blesses you with an unrivaled body that brings you fortune and fame, and you wanna call it quits?? Hang up the cleats? $19 a month?!? Um newsflash Donna but thats like 63 cents a day, which is 63 more cents than I make.  I don’t remember exactly how the saying goes but just like if it aint broke, dont fix it…welp if youre raking in thousands of dollars by being the fattest bitch in the world, certainly dont try to shed 300 pounds.

Walmart shopper tries to pay with a $1,000,000 bill…works to perfection except for the part where he was arrested immediately.

LEXINGTON, N.C. — Do you have change for a million-dollar bill?

Police say a North Carolina man insisted his million-dollar note was real when he was buying $476 worth of items at a Walmart. Investigators told the Winston-Salem Journal that 53-year-old Michael Fuller tried to buy a vacuum cleaner, a microwave oven and other items. Store employees called police after his insistence that the bill was legit, and Fuller was arrested. The largest bill in circulation is $100. The government stopped making bills of up to $10,000 in 1969.  Fuller was charged with attempting to obtain property by false pretense and uttering a forged instrument. He is in jail on a $17,500 bond, and it isn’t clear if he has an attorney. He is scheduled to be in court Tuesday.

How bout the fuckin bills balls on Michael Fuller, huh?? Doesn’t even go with a reasonably sized imaginary bill, nope just goes right for the gusto straight to 1 million bucks. Hey Mike, youre buying a fucking microwave and other items bro!!!  Not a 5 bedroom penthouse in NYC! I want to respect the effort but it just seems like 10 more seconds of thought would’ve helped you come to the conclusion that no Walmart is gonna have $999,850 in change. It’s common sense really.

PS. I’ll take back everything I said about Michael Fuller if he tries to counterfeit a $17,500 bill to pay off his bail.