Daily Mail UK
A pregnant California woman has filed a claim saying she found a bloody fingertip in a salad at an Applebee’s restaurant in Paso Robles. Cathleen Martin of Atascadero told The Tribune in San Luis Obispo that she was with her husband and child at the restaurant on December 20 when she discovered the piece of fingertip in her dish. The family had all reportedly eaten from her Chinese chicken salad before finding the fingertip.
You know when you’re a little kid and your parents ask before sitting down to dinner if you washed your hands, you lie and say you did, they ask to see them, and you just hide them behind your back knowing full well you’re caught red-handed?
That’s what I imagine the scene was like in the Applebee’s kitchen that fateful evening in Paso Robles, California. The hysteria has died down, the disgusted family has left the restaurant in a fit of rage threatening to sue. The manager goes into the kitchen to see whose ass is gonna getting fired and just looks at all of his line cooks like “which one of you motherfuckers is it??” The perpetrator probably looks to his left and right as if that’ll pass the blame off to someone else. Meanwhile, he’s the only guy in the kitchen missing a god damn FINGERTIP.
Even funnier is that Applebee’s is trying to legally cover their asses by saying “the restaurant can’t force the cook to undergo tests.” Um yeah, pretty sure you don’t need to fire up the Bunsen burners and extract DNA samples to determine which one of your employees is the owner of the bloody fingertip crouton found in a woman’s salad. Just say you need to take all their fingerprints for legal purposes and bingo bango, I can assure you he’ll be the only one without a print because HE HAS NO FINGERTIP. Case closed.
PS. What was this woman doing ordering a salad anyway? That’s ALWAYS been a pet peeve of mine. You want a salad or something healthy? Fine, go to a Sweetgreen or a Roast for that, that’s their forte. But don’t complain when chefs, whose skillset goes no further than buffalo wings and burgers, make a few little mistakes while preparing your artisanal Fiesta Chicken Chopped Salad…like forgetting the tortilla strips or cutting off their fingertip. Keep it simple with your order and everyone wins.
A fox miraculously survived after being shot in the head with an arrow. Remarkable pictures show the little animal with the arrow sticking out of its neck after being deliberately targeted near London. The 3-year-old vixen was rescued by staff from the Wildlife Aid Foundation charity in early December.
The fox then underwent an hour of surgery to remove the arrow and repair the agonizing entry and exit wounds.
First things first, I have a confession to make. I’ve been living a lie. I’ve been living this tough guy persona my whole life as if I’m hunting down 12-point bucks or wild boars on the regular. I’m not. In fact, I’m a gigantic pussy when it comes to killing animals. Pretty much if you’re larger than a mosquito and/or don’t wanna kill me (sharks, snakes, T-Rex, etc.) then I probably want to protect you with my life. That goes a millionfold if you’re a cute ass fox. I mean, my boy Frankie (he’s definitely a Frankie) is straight up adorable:
He’s just trying to do fox things, not take an arrow through the ear hole and spend an hour in surgery getting that shit removed. So if you live in London and enjoy bow and arrowing 3-year-old woodland creatures, you better sleep with one eye open because I’m gonna return the favor on Frankie’s behalf.
PS. I’ve always wondered if pets in foreign countries understand their owners’ accents. Like my brain is so dumb and American that I just assume animals are wired to only comprehend English ipso facto, a dog in China is constantly thinking “what the FUCK did that man just say to me?”
PPS. Apparently a “vixen” is a female fox. Whatever. SHE looks like a Frankie then.
NY Daily News
A serial spitter is on the loose in Brooklyn — hocking loogies on unsuspecting passersby young and old, disgusted residents say.
“About 20 minutes ago, a young man wearing all black randomly decided to scream ‘F— you,’ and spit in my face,” the woman wrote.
Another resident said she was unlocking her bike at a rack on Lincoln Road when a tall and slender man in his mid-20s walked up. Without warning, the man spit in the face of her 3-year-old son, who was sitting in the bike seat.
“It was terrible-and scary because the guy was so close to my son (and really could have done much worse),” according to the mother. “But thankfully it all did not phase (sic) my son.”
One victim wrote that he actually exchanged words with the spitter before being showered in saliva.
Maybe it’s because I’m writing this from the safe confines of Midtown Manhattan, but this is the funniest god damn thing I have ever read in my life. Especially considering that the spitter is being described as a well-dressed, slender guy in his mid-20’s i.e. this is probably some normal looking white hipster doofus who has Brooklyn SHOOK right now. Because make no mistake about it…hocking a wad of your snot directly into someone’s face is bar-none the most disrespectful thing you can do to them. Young or old, black or white, this guy doesn’t give a FUCK who you are, because he is still gonna launch some phlegm in your direction.
Having said that, here I am laughing with the East River safely separating me from this menace to society…but if he makes his way over the Brooklyn Bridge and into my Manhattan safe-space, I can assure you I will not rest until he is caught and behind bars. Loogies are always funny when they’re yours. But when some stranger is asking you for directions one second, and the next he’s firing mucus into your retina, that’s when it becomes significantly less funny.
Belgian architect Vincent Callebaut. He has revealed ambitious plans for a series of underwater eco-villages that could house up to 20,000 people each in the future. His Aequorea project imagines entirely self-sufficient, spiraling “oceanscrapers” reaching to the sea floor from mangrove-covered marinas on the surface of the world’s oceans.
As well as living space, the Aequorea would house science labs, offices, hotels, sports fields and farms across 250 floors and reach a depth of up to 1,000 meters (3,280 feet). Seawater would be desalinated for drinking, microalgae would recycle organic waste, and light would be provided through bioluminescence.
JESUS H. CHRIST! Somebody get me on the phone with this Vincent Callebaut guy STAT! I’ve never needed anything as badly as I need an underwater jellyfish-shaped skyscraper penthouse. All you Arabs and your oilwell money moving into the $95MM penthouse of 432 Park Ave with your bird’s-eye view of Central Park can step aside. Ya boy is gonna have motherfucking KILLER WHALES outside his windows! I remember when Nelly was on MTV Cribs showing off his four massive fish tanks and thinking “Wow, all I gotta do is put a bandaid under my eye and rap about smoking weed and I’ll have sharks in my house too.” Boy does Nelly look like a peasant now!
However I will say, I’m not too keen on the idea of the windows being made of recycled plastic. I’ve seen the YouTube video of a whale breaking through the aquarium glass…not exactly tryna get sucked into some watery abyss over here. So maybe the prime real estate is somewhere in the middle where there’s still cool shit to look at, but you’re not 20,000 leagues under the sea in Anglerfish territory?
Yeah, no fucking thanks. I’ll take the Nemo/Dory/Free Willy depth penthouse. Now I just gotta think of how to pay for one of these sweet apartments with my two maxed-out credit cards……….
NY Daily News
Florida police made an unusual traffic stop when they spotted a 3-year-old boy riding his motorized big wheel on the highway.
Citrus County deputies were stunned to see the boy riding along the US 19 in Crystal River wearing only a diaper and t-shirt early Wednesday.
The boy’s father claimed that the child sneaked out of their nearby house as he was using the bathroom. He used a chair to reach the front door lock and it was only when the father called out for his son that he realized he was missing.
Serious question. What do you do as a parent when your child literally hates you so much that they run away from home at age THREE? You know what I was doing at 3 years old? Nothing. Like actually not a single memorable thing. I had to read a WebMD article titled “3- to 4-Year-Old Developmental Milestones” to double check, but nope. 3-year-olds are supposed to be able to remember basic colors, speak in 5-6 word sentences, and know how to bend over without falling. Which means they sure as FUCK don’t have the mental capacity to hate something so strongly that they pop the keys in the ignition of their Hotwheels ATV and are burning rubber on Interstate 19 wearing Pampers and a Born to be Wild t-shirt.
Which is why this whole thing doesn’t add up. This dad didn’t exactly seem upset by the whole situation. It’s almost as if he made sure the Bigwheel had fully charged overnight, waved mommy goodbye as she left to get groceries at Publix, then “accidentally” left the door ajar on his way back in the house. Not saying I blame him, kids are needy and expensive as fuck. But don’t insult my intelligence by saying you immediately started looking for your son the second you flushed the toilet and realized he was gone. Just admit you crushed a couple episodes of Making a Murderer, took a power nap, then sounded the alarms. You may be able to fool the Citrus County PD, but not me.
PS. I’d bet my entire salary that Danny “Fauxhawk” Collins used to be a manager at Citrus County’s Blockbuster back in the 90’s. Never been more sure of anything in my life.
A Kentucky man is facing charges after authorities say he stole another man’s farm animals and then offered to return them on the condition that he’d have sex with him.
Rodney Brown, 25, was arrested Monday on charges of promoting prostitution, theft by unlawful taking, and third-degree terroristic threatening, authorities said.
That follows the Monticello man allegedly stealing 25 roosters, a goat, rooster pens and other tools, WKYT reported citing a Dec. 21 arrest report.
Rodney motherfucking Brown. Forget the fact that the farmer he was sexually harassing was a dude. Fine, to each his own. What I can’t help but respect is the strategy. F- execution, but an A+ strategy. Like does this work in scenarios outside of Kentucky farm animal ransom? Can I pull a maneuver like this at the bar this weekend? Just steal some chick’s $750 Canada Goose jacket and when she demands you give it back you say “I will not return your jacket until you come home with me and we have sex”?? Seems like an airtight plan to me.
My only issue here is that Hot Rod got cocky. One, maybe two roosters in exchange for some butt stuff? Fine. But 25 roosters and a goat? Now we’re just getting disrespectful to be honest. I don’t think Rodney knows those things are still bigtime gambling chips in third world countries. You can’t steal a farmer’s most prized billy goat and be surprised when he doesn’t just succumb to your demands, and instead you’re getting booked for third-degree terroristic threatening. Like I said, A+ strategy, but just piss-poor execution. You’re better than that Hot Rod.
New York Daily News
A cruel Turkish factory sold faulty life jackets to migrants, making the “life-saving” vests out of a heavy material that sinks — not saves — the wearer.
Turkish police raided a workshop in the Aegean coastal city of Izmir Wednesday, a day two separate boating accidents killed dozens of migrants desperately trying to reach Greece.
Look. This is a tough one. On the one hand, you have innocent women and children trying to escape an extremely oppressive situation where the end result is absolutely worth the dangerous leap of faith. And systemically killing people off is ALWAYS an iffy subject. For real. That’s how you end up in baaaaad company getting filed away in the same folder as that German guy with the mustache. Real, real tough to see beyond the cons there.
BUT. Big but. If you are looking at this STRICTLY from a homeland security/vetting the refugees standpoint…is this not an A+ litmus test to see if a refugee is worthy of admission into your country? Look, if you wanna cry about how bad things are in your country and you wanna just waltz into mine, you better be prepared to pass the old placebo life jacket trick. If you can’t swim across the 250 mile wide Aegean Sea through choppy waters with the equivalent of a 40 pound Gold’s Gym weighted vest around your neck, then quite frankly you’re probably not cut out for life in the States. We have a LOT more trying things to worry about over here on a daily basis i.e. spotty wifi while running AppleTV and your iPad or not getting 100 likes on a fire Instagram post.
So excuse me for not exactly losing sleep over people sinking to the bottom of the ocean and being frustrated when their $15 life jacket from a sketchy Turkish factory doesn’t float. Not my problem.
P.S. wouldn’t even bat an eyelash if it came out that these life jackets had “Donald J. Trump Collection” on the tag…don’t want immigrants? make immigration literally impossible. Sinking life jackets and 40 foot walls, that’s the Trump way #MakeAmericaGreatAgain