Today in Florida: 3-year-old pulled over on highway driving his big wheel 

NY Daily News
Florida police made an unusual traffic stop when they spotted a 3-year-old boy riding his motorized big wheel on the highway.

Citrus County deputies were stunned to see the boy riding along the US 19 in Crystal River wearing only a diaper and t-shirt early Wednesday. 

The boy’s father claimed that the child sneaked out of their nearby house as he was using the bathroom. He used a chair to reach the front door lock and it was only when the father called out for his son that he realized he was missing.

Serious question. What do you do as a parent when your child literally hates you so much that they run away from home at age THREE? You know what I was doing at 3 years old? Nothing. Like actually not a single memorable thing. I had to read a WebMD article titled “3- to 4-Year-Old Developmental Milestones” to double check, but nope. 3-year-olds are supposed to be able to remember basic colors, speak in 5-6 word sentences, and know how to bend over without falling. Which means they sure as FUCK don’t have the mental capacity to hate something so strongly that they pop the keys in the ignition of their Hotwheels ATV and are burning rubber on Interstate 19 wearing Pampers and a Born to be Wild t-shirt.  

Which is why this whole thing doesn’t add up. This dad didn’t exactly seem upset by the whole situation. It’s almost as if he made sure the Bigwheel had fully charged overnight, waved mommy goodbye as she left to get groceries at Publix, then “accidentally” left the door ajar on his way back in the house. Not saying I blame him, kids are needy and expensive as fuck. But don’t insult my intelligence by saying you immediately started looking for your son the second you flushed the toilet and realized he was gone. Just admit you crushed a couple episodes of Making a Murderer, took a power nap, then sounded the alarms. You may be able to fool the Citrus County PD, but not me. 

PS. I’d bet my entire salary that Danny “Fauxhawk” Collins used to be a manager at Citrus County’s Blockbuster back in the 90’s. Never been more sure of anything in my life. 



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